Never thought it would happen

It is 1:52 am Sun/Mar/28.... I have just been through the worst couple of days with the worst lower back and kidney pains, freezing cold to the bone and uncontrollable shaking, restlessness and anxiety that would make a person wish death as a resolve. I ended up going to the hospital because I was overly scared with what was going on with me. After a 4 hour wait at CMH the Dr prescribed me some naproxen (anti inflammatory) for the aches and pains. He also gave me 7 tablets of lorazepam for sleeping. I opened up the container of lorazepam and noticed that there was only 5 tablets.....oh well. So I got home and took 1 naproxen and a lorazepam. After about almost an hour nothing had changed so I had another lorazepam. I fell asleep and woke up 13 hours later. I couldn't believe how good I felt. After about 2 hours I started to feel aches and pains creeping back in so I took another naproxen and everything stopped. I can still feel the aches and pains lingering on the outskirts of the walls of sanity. I have just taken 1 and a half lorazepam since I only have three left. I figured 1 and a half would be better than just one as 1 doesn't do much for my sleep. I will have 1 and a half left for tomorrow... then I'm pretty much fucked LOL...we will see. I feel like I could sleep for 24 hours still at this point but to be fair I haven't gotten any sleep in for-five LOOOOOONG days. Lets hope I do better when I go to bed now. So wish me luck ....LOL. Goodnight my FB friends I love you all and your inspiring messages. I read them and pull strength from them when I need it....so thank you all.

So it's 4:37 am Fri and I'm sitting here wide awake....again. I'm actually feeling pretty good so I don't mind being awake rite now. I have no real pain or anything like that to report. I just have that restless feeling. Oh and my breathing is pretty shallow rite now but I think that is because of my cold. I have cut back to 1-2 smokes per day but after what I just went through.. I'm thinking I can quit. I am still quite stiff but all in all... I feel not to bad so far today. I hope it lasts all day..lol. The last time I said that I wasn't so lucky. We shall see what happens.

Blahhhhh

It's 12:21 am Fri/March/26... I am still feeling ..blahhhhh. I just don't seem to have the "want" to do anything. My body is achy and my muscles are sore as hell. I hurts to move but then again it hurts to be still too..LOL. I have had that drained feeling before but this is ridiculous... I'm going to lay down and pray for some sleep.

It is now 3:02 pm Thurs 25th. I thought that I would be feeling much better today but I guess not...for fuck sakes. This is taking forever and I'm getting soooo sick of not getting any sleep. I tried to stay in bed as long as I could thinking that maybe I would just pass out. I think I did for a little bit tho. I am sill having stomach pains with diarrhea and had some major aches throughout my arms and shoulders. I do think the weak feeling is starting to go away little by little. I went to the bathroom and back without losing my breath today LOL....soooo that's a good thing. I guess being patient would work out better for me... I have to remember not to get to excited one day because you never know how your going to feel the next day. Well I am going to go and feel shitty by myself for a bit. Well with my dog... who has been a huge help to me wile going through this. He has made me bend over to wipe piss off of the floor and being that he is a lap dog, he adds an extra 2 lbs to my overall body weight LOL....thanks Drako!!!

Was that a sneeze?..

It's 6:06 am Thurs. I still haven't slept yet again. My leg cramps are back with finger and wrist aches not to mention my elbows too. They are all achy but bad enough to make you stay awake grrrr it's pissing me off. Oh.. the best thing... now check this one out...the best part is... now I have a cold lol. I love the fact that, that just means more sore muscles and no sleep LMFAO!!! grrrrrrr. Any ways I have to try to get some sort of bullshit sleep session in. Have a good one... I'll be hoping for one myself haha.

It's 12:00 am Thursday morning. I can't believe how much better I am feeling...wow!!!. I mean don't get me wrong... I still feel like hell but all of my aches and pains have calmed way down. I am thinking on the pain scale 1-10... they are at a 3. I noticed that I think I can do more then I actually can. I wanted to go for a walk around the block tonight but changed my mind after having to walk all the way to the bathroom. I am hoping that the worst is over witch I'm pretty sure it is. I have no idea how fast it goes from here but I am taking comfort in knowing that I am on the up swing. I hope the weak, shitty feeling goes away quick. I think even more important then that.... I just want a solid night of sleep. I am so sick of 10 minutes here and there and not even a good 10 minutes LOL. Well I'm going to try and get some sleep just so I can feel better for the whole day haha. Or should I say feel as good as I can for the whole day.

Pain rolls in with the darkness.

It's 6:53 pm Wed. I just got out of a nice hot bath with Epsom salts and let me tell you.... it works. I need as much "feeling better time" as I can get because I know what is on it's way. When the pain comes it's like watching the dark roll in. The thing is.. if you are afraid of the dark, you wont be able to make it till the lite. I know it's hard to not keep thinking "what will tonight bring? restlessness, leg and back pains, headaches, the want to keep repositioning yourself for comfort that never comes. sweats from hell??" but you have to stop thinking that way. When you think that way it just feeds your pain and restlessness. You have to think "what good things will tonight bring?" like when you can find that one sweet spot and the pain calms for a minute. It sounds silly but it is working for me. I am finding that so much of this process is such a mental fuck over. You have to find the things that work for you that will occupy your mind. The restlessness is starting up pretty good now so I am going to go and practice what I preach.

Keepin your eye on the prize

I know I just wrote a blog but I am so restless and annoyed and grimy feeling. My legs are hurting but I feel like I have to keep moving them. The pain seems more intense if I stop moving them Grrrrr....this fuckin suxs. My stomach is still in a huge cramp that gets worse every so often but eases up again after a few seconds. I took a walk outside to the backyard with the dog and I soooo wasn't ready for that yet. I was sitting there and for some reason I thought I was going to puke but I got back in the house and am doing a bit better now. It's funny because when I was on the Oxy I never wanted to go out. I feel like sitting outside now... That's one of those little changes that keep me going. This is sooo going to be worth it in the end tho and I still "have my eye on the prize"

No rest for the wicked

Well it's 2:14 pm Wed/mar/24th. I just got up from what I was hoping could call a sleep...LOL yeah rite. The pain all came back and brought it's friend RESTLESNESS..... Rite now I have cramps in my stomach, my hips are still hurting, my calves are even aching. My headache has gone but I'm sure it will be back later. This is a huge mental battle but you have to grit your teeth and bare it. You have to remember that you have gotten this far and your not going to let anything fuck that up. I think a hell of allot of what is going on in my mind is from all the sleep deprivation. Your going to think that you can't do this more then a couple times lol more like a million times but don't listen to all of that shit going on in your head. Yes this is hard but being on those pills is allot harder. Think of everything that they have taken from you and how bad you want it all back. You have to say in your mind "I can do this" then think about why you want to do it...that is a huge part of this for me anyways. This is just how I'm trying to get it done. If something else is working for you then that's awesome. I also do allot of reading and movies at night to keep my mind busy. There is nothing worse then laying there in pain and your mind is doing a freak out. I do wish the pain in my legs would just fuck off. When I get like this, I try to get up and move around. I don't move much but it's enough to get my mind off of the pain in my legs. I am also still slamming a ton of water...great idea. It saves a bunch of extra pain and bullshit as far as I'm concerned.

Fucking crazy

It is 4:53 am on Wed morning. I thought I was going to have a half ass sleep tonight but guess what....I was wrong. The leg pains and restlessness is back. My stomach pains are getting a little worse too. I just want to go the fuck to sleep without waking up 10 minutes later, in pain. I am glad I am all alone rite now because my anger level is through the fucking roof. Tonight sucks but in a different way. I feel like freedom is rite there but than the pains and all of the other shit come back in shorter intervals. Which is really upsetting because ..you get to fall asleep for ten minutes or so and because I haven't slept in so long. I fall into a pretty deep sleep in ten minutes. Then I am woken up because of aches and pains. I just wish it would all go away soon because this is fuckin crazy!!!!!

Sick and tired

Well it's 10:04 pm Tuesday night. I am feeling very tired and almost like a pile of mush. My neck is still tight and it has moved to my upper back. I have a headache that I know is going to stay with me for a bit. My eye's don't seem to focusing very quick rite now either. The cramps that have been with me since the beginning.. are still here too....I guess they will probably be the last ones to leave the party. I am really really tired and week from this whole thing... I think I will lay down. see ya later...

Getting tense

It is 7:30 pm Tues mar/23... I wasn't feeling to bad today but it was short lived. The muscles in the back of my neck are sooo tense it has given me a crazy headache. I am still dealing with diarrhea and have absolutely no energy. I think my shoulder might be the cause of the tenseness in my neck as the same thing is going on with my shoulder. I haven't felt the full pain of my bad shoulder since it was done. I really feel like shit rite now and don't want to keep typing so I am going to sign off for now but will probably be back in a bit.

the calm before the storm

It's 3:26 pm Tues 23rd and I am jetting up from another pretty spotty sleep. I can't believe how much my leg kidney and back pain have eased off. I am not feeling that need to get comfortable. I do still feel like shit but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel in my body that it's not over yet...that's for sure. I have lost some pains and picked myself up a bit of diarrhea and a headache. My mouth is very thick and I am feeling pretty week. I can say however I am feeling a hell of allot better without all the aches and pains and the squirmy restless shit going on. If the way that I feel keeps up.. I might be able to catch some actual sleep tonight. My parents came over today with some food and water... I love those two people so much that I can't even put it into words rite now. My dad is very spiritual and he gave me a healing. I don't know if any of you are very spiritual but I am and it works. Like I said... I'm not ready to go dancing or anything like that but I can honestly say that I am definitely more at ease. I puked once this morning before I layed down but haven't had to again as of yet. This is hell and such a dirty and disgusting feeling but it is going to be soooo worth it in the end. I am actually getting pumped and got my eye on the prize as one of my buddies told me to do. I know it's not over yet but I am happy to have made it to this point. I am going to go pound more water to flush my system out again... very important to keep doing. I will be back to write more in a lil bit.

4:08 am Tues.... I am feeling fuckin hardcore now. The sweating turned into the could sweats but now I'm sweating my ass off again. body cramps are at a 10 now. still can't stay still and don't want to move. I am also having unintentional hard arm and leg flexing. Now that is a bitch. The muscle just keeps flexing until it hurts and I notice. I can stop it but when I do it hurts like a mother fucker. I just want it all to stop and let me be normal again...well as normal as I was anyways. I am squirmy and uncomfortable along with annoyed
. It's so scary to do this. Every time I have a new symptom I feel my cheeks get flush and hot, my hair gets numb and a wave of fear like no other comes over me. I know that I am going to get through this straight up but I can why people can't finish this torture or don't want to try it. I have thought a couple times of stopping but I have an angel on my shoulder coxing me along. Like I said... I can definitely see why people don't want to do this cold turkey shit Grrrrrr this sucks. FUUUUUCK!!!!! my legs back, and hips are so sore it would almost be worth it to cut the bastards off. I mean... I would never but I would love to. the coldness from the blanket feels nice on my legs for the 5 seconds before they heat up again. I reminds my of being in an attic in the middle of the summer and the door is locked. I certainly do not feel as strong as I once did. This shit is getting to me... in a very harsh way. I think it is different for everyone in certain ways but why did I have to get satins way. I don't want to scare anyone away from getting clean...this is just what I have been feeling. You might feel some of this but I have some buddies said that it wasn't that bad. Well you at ya go ya lucky bastards...because this is fuckin killing me man. More in a bit....fuckin hate this pain!!!

a little mental

It is now Tues morning at 12:22 am. I have talked about the pain that I am in but I haven't mentioned what it is doing mentally to me. It is like I am teetering rite on the edge of complete break down and just getting on with it. It seems very crazy to me that I have that much power to chose how this whole thing goes. I feel like I can't get comfortable and I keep moving. Every time I move it feels like my bones and muscles are grinding together. I find myself thinking about all the pain and I try to occupy my mind with other thoughts. Until I find that I have slipped back into focusing on the pain again. That has been happening probably once or twice every 5 Min's.I'm telling you.... this is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I have been told that a hot bath and some gravol is the way to go. So I think I' will be getting some tomorrow for sure. It's funny because I think I would be craving a hot bath even if I hadn't heard about it first. It seems that it would be such a good feeling on my joints and aches. stomach is cramping up a bit now too. I am still dumping liquids down my throat to flush this shit out of me faster. I can't believe how slow the time is going....wtf??? It seems like every min is like an hour... can this get any worse???? I am not a very religious person but I will be praying that this will be all over soon as possible. Walking has become a little bit more of a chore now as well. It hurts to do it but I am forcing my self to get up and do things. I am so frustrated and sore I get to tears a few times a day now.... what a roller coaster man......FUCKING HELL!!!! well I'm going to try and read my book and keep my mind busy for a bit.


1:58 am Tues... just figured I would pop in and tell ya that the profuse sweating and a bit of shacking have made their way to join the party of aches and pains I am having in my body. This is crazy, scary, painful, embarrassing, mentally crippling and a very looooong process. I never understood the limits one could push their body to when needed. I am having pretty bad stomach pains more frequent now as well. Going to try and play the Xbox 360 for a bit...hope it works.

A dirty dirty pain

This is the dirtiest feeling ever ever ever ever!!! This pain is so disgusting it is almost undescribable now. I feel like I have to move to get comfortable but I am afraid of the pain that comes with the moving part haha. My legs and kidney area are soooo fucking sore it keeps bringing me to tears. I can handle a lot of pain usually and this is above and beyond anything I have ever felt. I forgot to mention that I am doing this with a bottle of my Oxycontin's sitting infront of me. I am doing it to keep my mind strong as this pain courses through me. I look at that bottle and fight the temptation to take just one pill to ease all of this shit. Then I think about how it was those pills that made me this way..... so the temptation is only for a quick minute. My mind is stronger then when I started this journey as I am doing a ton of reflecting. I also am getting strength from all of your stories about your battles. I thank you all for the encouragement and the positive and kind words.... It really does help more then you could imagine. The pains seem to come in waves. Sometimes from every 10 seconds to every 10 minutes. When they come.... ya gotta just grin and bare it. I picture myself crushing my thumb into sand... I don't know why I picture that LOL it's weird. I'm sure different things work for different people so I guess that's just one of my helpers. Well I'm going to smoke a bowl and maybe eat something. That's one of the bonuses of using pot to get through this shit.... I still have an appetite. I feel it coming back so I'm going to get up and move around a bit. See you all soon I'm sure.

This suuuuuuuux

It's 10:13am Mon. I'm not even gonna lie.... this sux big time. My body is seizing up now and I can't sit still. I would love to sleep but I move every 5 to 10 seconds. If total discomfort. I stay in one position for to long my joints ache and crack when I move again. I wouldn't wish this on anyone...ever! I am getting annoyed with everything now to. If I forgot to say it before I will say it now...If you are ever offered Oxycontin as a pain control or for any reason. Say no because you are going to have to get off of them one day and it suuuuux!!!! My abdomen and upper back are giving me crazy pain and total discomfort. I know a lot of people that have gone through the exact same thing that I am rite now. I have nothing but total respect for every single one of you. I can't believe how quick my hips seize up and start hurting. Sleep would be amazing rite now.... even a 10 minute nap would be good LOL. If you have ever had a kidney stone, think of that pain constantly. I think that will help explain it a lil better. The best thing about today is that my girlfriend started her new job. Now that girl is someone to take life lessons from. She has done so much in the past year it's crazy. She has become the rock in our relationship and has made me soooo proud of her. She was my number one reason for reevaluating my life. She deserves everything she wants in this world. Good luck today babe...gotcha in my thoughts xoxo. Ok I am going to try to lay down again or just keep fuckin fidgeting and moving all the time LOL... this suuuuuux!!!!

Thank you

Well it's 3:41 am Monday morning and I am feeling heaviness in my chest (like I have been smoking all day and night. It is a pain that goes from my back threw to my chest. It almost feels like I have to crack my back and my ribs up high. I am starting to sweat a little now... along with all the other aches and pains I am fixin for a long night. I am still trying to keep myself busy as to keep my mind off of it all. The number one rule in this whole thing is to keep hydrated. That is very important and the headaches will stay away for the most part. Well that's what I'm hoping LOL. I should take this time to warn everyone that I will be using my usual language (swearing.... allot). There is no need to go there yet tho LOL. I also wanted to say thank you to all of my friends and your support while I'm doing this. I have the best friends and family that a person could have..... I love you all. I guess another part of the withdrawal is emotional... LOL. Oh and before I forget I wanna say thank you to my nephew David for this great Idea. I was going to do something like this on facebook as a journal but he totally hooked me up with this whole blog deal (I have awesome nephews) so thanks for that buddy. I am going to be using marijuana to try and take the edge off of the withdrawal symptoms. I know there are still some people out there that are still in the dark ages about the whole pot thing. The only thing that I have to say about that is I DON"T CARE. I am using it for medicinal reasons rite now so don't hate me for it. Wait till all this is over and I keep smoking it LOL. I do not see pot as a drug and some people will fight me on it to the death. Well I am going to roll one rite now to take this feeling down a bit and maybe try to sleep a bit LMFAO!!! I just held in a sneeze and my back and chest just cracked......and it fuckin hurt pretty bad. I'm sure it will tighten up again pretty quick but it feels better since it cracked wooo hooo. Ok I'm done..... for now anyways.

Starting to feel my skin crawl.

Well it is 9:28 pm on Sunday March 21st. The last pill I had was very early this morning and well over 12 hours ago. I am starting to feel a little anxious and am starting to get a pain throughout my mid section. My kidneys and lower back pain is like I have been drinking for 3 or 4 days. I am starting to feel uncomfortable in my skin and very sketchy like I can't sit still. I will write more as time goes on. I'm more then positive that I will be visiting this blog a few times tonight when I am alone and freaking out from withdrawal.

I told you I would be back when I was alone LOL. I'm not freakin out yet but I have been here before and know what to expect. I won't say what I know already, I will just say what I am feeling just to keep shit straight. So I'm feeling the same abdominal pain on the constant. Oh and I usually shake my foot but I am shaking it a double time (when I realize I'm shaking it) now. My lower back is a bit more sore but still tolerable. I have noticed that if you can keep your mind off of the pains and uncomfortable squirmy feeling you don't notice it as much..... for now. I think this is going to be a hell of a lot harder then I thought LOL. Every time I want to write about how and what I am feeling.... I feel even worse because I'm concentrating on it LMFAO!!!! yyyyep only me hahaha. When ever I start to feel the pain.. I just think about all the prescriptions that I have been given for this and that. It takes my mind off of everything and I start thinking about hmmmm I wonder how we survived all kinds of crazy shit when we were kids. We didn't have all of these supplements and pills and shit. We are definitely have become a medication pushing world eh. It pisses me off that they want to give us stuff that cures one problem but gives you 5 different side effect. Like WTF is anal leakage??? That is seriously on some medications and over the counter meds. WTF are we doing to ourselves? I think I am seriously going to go with a more natural way of life. It is 12:11 am Mon/Mar/3 and I'm done for now but ya never know....I might be back again.

And the dance begins

Who knew I would ever be doing this LOL... Well here goes......
My name is Jamie Pike and this is my story. In September of 2008 I had a seizure do to low blood sugar as I have had juvenile diabetes for 26 years of my 36 year life. Well my girlfriend was staying the night and she told me that when it happened. I sat up at the edge of the bed, she asked if I was ok and I said "yep". She said no sooner did I say that and I jumped up and tried to take the wall out with my shoulder. I guess the noise it made was pretty loud too LOL. So I'll cut to the chase anyways....ends up I really screwed my shoulder up..bad. I crushed the ball of my shoulder like a ping pong ball on the top. I also brook two thirds of the bone out that holds your shoulder in place. So from the day I woke up rite up until this morning I have been taking 50-60 Mg's of Oxycontin a day. I started my withdrawal yesterday sat/03/20 at 9:00am but took a 10mg at 5:00am this morning. Soooo that one didn't count and I am going to get through this with the help of my computer. My dream would be if reading this can help anyone wanting to get off of these terrible pills in any way. The pills that I take are 12 hour 10mg and 20mg I take 20 or 30 Mg's when I wake up and twelve hours later I take 30 more. I know it is a pretty low dose but I have been on them for a year and a half. I know it is going to be brutally hard....... but this ones mine!